The Don

This Ad Was Placed in the Personal columns of a daily newspaper in
Durban

To the well dressed black dude Who Tried to Mug Me on Durban Beachfront
three nights ago

I was the guy wearing the black denim jacket that you demanded that I
hand over along with my wallet, shortly after you pulled the knife on my
girlfriend & I, threatening our lives.

You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse, rings and earrings too

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important
message.

First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my
pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I
was wearing the jacket for a reason.
My girlfriend had just bought me that Glock pistol for xmas, and we had
picked up a new ‘fast draw’ shoulder holster for it that very evening.
Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed
at your head wasn’t it, especially when I blasted that one and only shot
right past your right ear and out to sea?

I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from
bare footed with your ear bleeding and ringing like a church bell, since
I made you leave your expensive shoes, Nokia cell phone, and wallet with
me. That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come
help mug us again.

After I called your mother, or “Mama” as you had her listed in your
cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done, fortunately she
spoke English too, and she seemed very shocked, said you worked at a
local bank and wouldnt do what I was telling her you had done. Anyway, I
then I went and filled up my petrol tank as well as four other people’s
in the petrol garage on your credit card. The guy with the big V8 Jeep
took R800 alone, and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Joe Kools, along with all
the cash in your wallet. That made his day!

I then threw your wallet into the big 7 series Beemer that was parked
at the curb … after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed
the entire driver’s side of the car. I know that this bling car belongs
to a local enforcer and bouncer.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.
Vodacom just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for
a little over a day now, so what’s going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the local
ANC office and one to the bureau of state security (intelligence
services) too, while mentioning President Zuma and Julius Malema as my
probable targets. The state security guy seemed really intense and we
had a nice long chat – I guess while he traced your number etc.

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you …. but I
feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for
your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some
of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you
have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career
path you’ve chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Chris

I love how he phoned the guys mother. Classic.

Did I mention that I too chased off two burglars last week? Not with a gun, but rather with a two meter long stick/pole. I did this semi naked.

I’m sure those burglars are still traumatized.

I don’t know how many of you follow politics here in SA, but I’m sure you must have heard about the stint of DA MP Dianne Kohler-Barnard where she used the F-bomb in parliament.

This from News24:

Kohler-Barnard was heard saying “fuck” in the National Assembly during a walkout by the DA and Cope in support of Cope MP Mluleki George.

George was ordered to leave after refusing to withdraw his statement that the government was leading the country into lawlessness.

In a statement released just minutes before the DA’s, the ANC Chief Whip Mathole Motshekga called on the DA and Parliament to take action against Kohler-Barnard.

“Her suspension means her duties as a Member of Parliament are frozen for that period and, as such, that she vacate the Parliamentary precinct and suspend her related activities,” said Davidson.

He said the DA viewed Kohler Barnard’s conduct in a serious light

Naturally, Nandos had to be their awesome selves:

Classic

Do me a favour and read this article, as well as the comments. Especially those by “The Olde Mafia”. Let me know what you think.

http://jamiewhatshisname.blogspot.com/2009/08/conrad-gallagher-celebrity-chef-does.html

So, I’ll be 30 next year. Sure, sure, 29 this year. Either way, half my life is over.* And every year, I feel this dread – this overpowering fear – that I will never accomplish everything I’ve been meaning to do in this very short time I have been granted here on this earth. I feel as if time is running out, and with that, I try to squeeze in as many activities as possible, ever more aware of this “end” closing in on me. And, of course, to keep on track, on schedule, I would go about my life merrily adding to, and ticking off, items on this ‘list’ which I’ve been maintaining since I lost my balls somewhere between 2nd and 3rd year of varsity.**

And isn’t that just so sad? Living life, measuring it, gauging success, by ticking off an activity on a list; a pitiable acknowledgement of a goal having been reached. I totally freaked out a while ago when I couldn’t find the list I had made for 2009. I reckon, subconsciously I shorten it every year to ease the disappointment I feel when the time comes to reflect, and assess my “progress”. In 2009, I think there were 5 items on the list. I can only remember the following:

1. Remain in God’s love
2. Zanzibar/Tanzania
3. Ask more questions, without questioning motives.

I remember these ones because I’ve failed hopelessly at achieving any of them. I think it was going well for (1) for a while. Until I realised how unhappy I was trying to gain approval and acceptance by doing things which I thought were “requirements” for being considered worthy, good somehow. I felt miserable. Still do sometimes.

And ag, the other two I actually don’t feel too bad about. Suuure, I cried my eyes out when I realised that yet another year had passed without being able to travel anywhere. But (and THIS is the thing with the lists that I’m only beginning to realise now) meanwhile, I’ve got my passport, I’ve made a few friends from all over without having to ever leave the country, Cape Town even! I’ve been exposed to different cultures, I’ve eaten bread baked by a Danish engineer/boulderer/trumpeter; bread, fresh from the oven, smothered in butter and jam, while German reggae played in the background, surrounded by people who are smart and funny as hell, and I didn’t have to hop on a plane to some magazine-d destination to gain this experience! I simply had to let go of all preconceptions of people and places, and be open to experience these little moments as they presented themselves. And this will form the basis for my new list – not for this year, but the direction I want my life to take. And I am going to keep adding to it – not stuff I want to do, but lessons I’ve learned and qualities I wish to keep applying in my life.

So, to start it off, I am going to love more. Simple enough, yes? I hope to cut through all my pre(mis?)conceptions of people, places, ideas, fears – and embrace it all with love. Reckless, unabashed, unashamed love. Ok, ok, and a touch more humility

What do you think of the clichéd new year’s resolutions? Have you made any?? A month down the line, have they changed/been discarded? Do share..

Juan’s Notes:

* Oh yes, 29 is over and done with. You feel those hot flushes? They are probably from the menopause setting in and not from thinking of that ubber handsome hunk of a boyfriend you’ve been spotted hanging around with. And 29 is definitely half of your life, yes. I mean when is the last time someone spotted a living walking 58 year old person? Science has progressed quite a lot in the last few decades, but living beyond your 50’s?! Save that shit for a sci-fi movie or something.

** I do hope that is meant in the figure-of-speech kinda way and not the Crying-Game kinda way.

A small zoo in Brakpan acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination the vet discovered the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse there was no male gorilla available.

Pondering over their problem the zoo-keeper thought of Frik van Wyk, a local lad and part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Frik, like many of the Brakpan men-folk, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The zoo-keeper thought they might have a solution.

Frik was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for R5000? Frik showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under 4 conditions:

“First”, Frik said “I’m not going to kiss her on the lips!” The keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
“Second”, he said, “You can never tell anybody about this.” The keeper again also quickly agreed to this condition.
“Third” said Frik “I want all the babies raised as WP supporters.” Once again it was agreed.
“Fourth and last of all, “ Frik said, “You’ll need to give me another week to come up with the R5000.”

We, as humans, are doomed to make mistakes. It is inevitable. There is not one person who has not at some period of their youth said things, or lived in a way the consciousness of which is so unpleasant, it will always be regretted. And to regret is too late. Nothing can be done to take back what has transpired as a result of our actions. It is carved in stone. Always there. Always to be remembered. A scar on one’s life. Our innate human legacy. And more often than not redemption is unattainable.

Regret will not always be present as one’s dislike of an action committed, but also as detest of one’s own inaction. Many find themselves wishing that they had not just done something different in a past situation, but that they had done anything at all.

Even sadder is the fact that we as humans often will not do what we believe in, but do what is convenient for us, and then repent.

The only good that comes from our mistakes, is that we learn from them. We emerge a little wiser.

Taken from theoatmeal.com

I just got forwarded this email. If you you can’t read Afrikaans, too bad for you.

*

Hi,

Ek sweer ek het dit nou gehad met die honde… Ek gaan hulle nog een  kans gee. Die ding is, ek weet rerig nie meer wat om to doen nie want dis elke  dag iets anders. En dit mask nie saak as ek goed hoog ophang of  wegsteek nie, want Johnson kan at meer as ‘n meter hoog spring. So daik as iemand weet van mense met ‘n plaas wat 2 jack russets soek, Iaat weet my. Ek wil  rerig nie die honde weg gee nie, maar ek raak nou moedeloos.

Die fotos aangeheg is ‘n fkken R700 boksak wat hulle gister bygekom  het.

Behalwe die boksak, het hulle at die volgende goed ook at opgevreet ‘n R450 Rugz honde mandjie wat die veearts my belowe het sal ten  minste 1 jaar hou (wel, by het dit net net verby die 3 weke merk gemaak)

2 Kamp stoele. (Nie eers myne nie, maar mense wat by my gebraai het).

20 m tuinslang is in 400 vyf cm stukkies gekou.

Hulle kom nie meer in die huis nie, maar ek dink die honde kan teleport soos op Star Trek, want daar is nou at 3 handoeke, 20 onderbroeke, kombuis vadoeke, en ‘n remote opgevreet.

2 Besems

1 Rubber hark

3 Sakke charcoal (hulle skeur nie net die sak nie, hulle vreet actually die charcoal. Dan moet mens 2 dae lank pik swart honde kak optel) — En vir die wat wonder, ek bere die charcoal binne in my Weber onder sy deksel. Die hond spring op die weber, balanseer op een of ander onverklaarlike manier homseif, stamp die deksel of en trek die sak charcoal uit die weber en vreet dit op.

Al die sif draad, mess grid en enige ander ding wat ek opgesit het om hulle uit die tuin te hou. En ja, hulle sluk actually stukke sif draad in. Jy sien dit in hulle mis twee dae later.

Klein boompie wat by my agter deur gestaan het. Hulle het actually ‘n hele fokken boom opgevreet!

My potplant binne die huis is moer toe. Weereens, dis asof Johnson vinnig in hardloop as die deur oop is en voor jy horn kan yang of moer, byt hy alles, gryp ‘n speaker draad en spring op al die beddens en banke.

‘n Grasperk — Hulle myn vir steenkool of goud. Die rede hoekom ek dit se, want hulle soek definitief nie vir krieke nie, want geen normale kriek bly 20 m onder die grond nie. Dis gevaarlik om na donker op my grasperk te loop, want jy mag dalk net in ‘n skag in donner.

2 Honde bakke. Weereens, as dit nie vir die felt was dat ek stukkies plastiek in hulle kak gesien het wat die selfde kleur as die bakke is nie, sou ek gedog het my bure het die bakke gesteel, want hulle was gone.

Johnson het nou die aand al die honde in die omtrek gaan byt. Hy het uitgeglip, en van hek tot hek gehardloop, die hond aan sy neus gegryp en aan horn geruk asof hy ‘n kombers is. Voor ek by horn kom, hardloop hy na die volgende hek. Die wetter is moer rats en my 100m sprint spoed is ook nie te wonderlik nie. Ek moes horn eventually tackle en het my vir 2 dae lank styf geval.

Nou die aand het hulle klein bietjie alcohol in gekry (Moet my nie kom dreig met die SPCA of sulke goed nie, ek is klaar uitgevreet en ek weet alcohol is baie sleg vir honde en ek sal dit nie weer doen

nie, maar ek was raad op en wou net kyk of dit nie help nie!!!) Wel, dit het nie… Johnson het soos ‘n bok begin spring en heeltyd op sy kop geval. Hy het ook volspoed in die garage deur vas gehardloop. En toe later… wel, kom ons stet dit so, Molly is nie meer ‘n onskuldige klein hondjie nie.

15. Die enigste goed wat nog splinternuut en sonder enige skade is, is die chewing toys wat ek vir hulle gekoop het. Ek dink hier is ‘n consumer complaint, want die mense wat die chew toys maak het

OBVIOUSLY geen fokken idêe waarvan ‘n Jack Russel hou nie. Dalk kan die honde gedagtes lees, en hulle vreet net die goed wat mens nog actually soek.

Danie het juis gister gesé hy is oortuig daarvan dat satan homself dalk in Johnson manifesteer…

Dis waaraan ek nou kan dink, maar onthou, ek het die honde nou maar vir 4 maande, en apparently leef Jack Russels nogal lank. Dis ‘n vonnis, ek sweer! EN, moenie terug mail en se ek moet hulle bliksem nie, want ek doen Ek het horn gister met ‘n stuk van die tuinslang wat hy gevreet het gemoer, hard, en al wat gebeur het is dat hy vir my begin blaf en onder ‘n struik gaan wegkruip. Vanoggend is die struik en die stuk tuinslang weg.

So ek het gedink ek sal hulle nog een kans gee of dalk twee, maar dit kan nie so aangaan nie. So, hartseer en als, ek begin rerig dit oorweeg om hulle dalk weg to gee. HuIle is nog bale jonk, Molly is 6 maande en Johnson is 9 maande. Altwee is opreg en Johnson het papiere.

Thanx

Frans