The Don

So, I’ll be 30 next year. Sure, sure, 29 this year. Either way, half my life is over.* And every year, I feel this dread – this overpowering fear – that I will never accomplish everything I’ve been meaning to do in this very short time I have been granted here on this earth. I feel as if time is running out, and with that, I try to squeeze in as many activities as possible, ever more aware of this “end” closing in on me. And, of course, to keep on track, on schedule, I would go about my life merrily adding to, and ticking off, items on this ‘list’ which I’ve been maintaining since I lost my balls somewhere between 2nd and 3rd year of varsity.**

And isn’t that just so sad? Living life, measuring it, gauging success, by ticking off an activity on a list; a pitiable acknowledgement of a goal having been reached. I totally freaked out a while ago when I couldn’t find the list I had made for 2009. I reckon, subconsciously I shorten it every year to ease the disappointment I feel when the time comes to reflect, and assess my “progress”. In 2009, I think there were 5 items on the list. I can only remember the following:

1. Remain in God’s love
2. Zanzibar/Tanzania
3. Ask more questions, without questioning motives.

I remember these ones because I’ve failed hopelessly at achieving any of them. I think it was going well for (1) for a while. Until I realised how unhappy I was trying to gain approval and acceptance by doing things which I thought were “requirements” for being considered worthy, good somehow. I felt miserable. Still do sometimes.

And ag, the other two I actually don’t feel too bad about. Suuure, I cried my eyes out when I realised that yet another year had passed without being able to travel anywhere. But (and THIS is the thing with the lists that I’m only beginning to realise now) meanwhile, I’ve got my passport, I’ve made a few friends from all over without having to ever leave the country, Cape Town even! I’ve been exposed to different cultures, I’ve eaten bread baked by a Danish engineer/boulderer/trumpeter; bread, fresh from the oven, smothered in butter and jam, while German reggae played in the background, surrounded by people who are smart and funny as hell, and I didn’t have to hop on a plane to some magazine-d destination to gain this experience! I simply had to let go of all preconceptions of people and places, and be open to experience these little moments as they presented themselves. And this will form the basis for my new list – not for this year, but the direction I want my life to take. And I am going to keep adding to it – not stuff I want to do, but lessons I’ve learned and qualities I wish to keep applying in my life.

So, to start it off, I am going to love more. Simple enough, yes? I hope to cut through all my pre(mis?)conceptions of people, places, ideas, fears – and embrace it all with love. Reckless, unabashed, unashamed love. Ok, ok, and a touch more humility

What do you think of the clichéd new year’s resolutions? Have you made any?? A month down the line, have they changed/been discarded? Do share..

Juan’s Notes:

* Oh yes, 29 is over and done with. You feel those hot flushes? They are probably from the menopause setting in and not from thinking of that ubber handsome hunk of a boyfriend you’ve been spotted hanging around with. And 29 is definitely half of your life, yes. I mean when is the last time someone spotted a living walking 58 year old person? Science has progressed quite a lot in the last few decades, but living beyond your 50′s?! Save that shit for a sci-fi movie or something.

** I do hope that is meant in the figure-of-speech kinda way and not the Crying-Game kinda way.